The first time you meet you are already giddy. You are wondering when you can change your name. You are thinking about how you will look on your special day or about how many children you want. You are planning the future on the first date without even stopping to think if the person is right for you. You get excited when they call and never want to get off the phone. You either text back immediately or dreamily wonder when will you speak next. You stop hanging out with your friends and become totally available making the person of your desire the only thing you think about. The problem is this is a not a reciprocal relationship. You have fallen in too fast and too deep.
Please don’t take this personal, but stop giving yourself to a person you don’t even know. It is not in your best interest when you give too much of yourself to the person you just met a few months ago. Take the time to cultivate a friendship with a partner before you become intimate in the relationship. Stop feeling like you are obligated to have sex and engage in other things that are against your core values. I remember when my mom used to say that a relationship is a reciprocal partnership, where both people are expressing affection and giving equally.
Fear can cause you to feel inadequate, or limit your ability to objectively see the friendship or romantic relationship for what it is. Fear drives people to make poor and rash decisions about relationships. Falling too deep leaves you open for more wounds to heal. An example is giving someone access to your personal bank account information because you are afraid to lose them. Allowing a friend to borrow money that they can’t or won’t pay you back. Other examples include; sending intimate pics or introducing them to people after the first date, letting them move in, or letting them drive your car
Each of the above scenarios is an example of an unhealthy boundary. Healthy boundaries include having clear core beliefs and values that help you make decisions that are in your best interest. Healthy boundaries prevent you from being taken advantage of and leading a life of shame and guilt. Healthy boundaries prevent you from comprising your values and sending that infamous pic, that you wish you had not when the relationship ends. In each of the examples, it is wise to listen to your own voice and trust the limits that you have set for your self.
Boundaries serves as the red flag or warning system that you are about to do something you will later regret or are uncomfortable doing in the first place. When your desire to please gives in to common self-respect and intellect you have fallen too fast and too deep.
Here are three tips to keep you grounded;
Understand and quickly acknowledge what is unacceptable to you and practice saying no, so you stay within your boundaries. When you are assertive in the relationship you will always be respected and respect the boundaries of others.
Listen to the voice of your intuition, that is telling you to slow down and get to know the person you are about to give yourself to, “too fast and too deep”. What you don’t want to do, is turn around and feel taken advantage of when you willingly loosened you own boundaries.
Ask yourself if you are still sitting in the seat of self-respect? If you want to be respected, then you will have to honor your own standards and beliefs. Having fun or keeping a relationship going by bending your beliefs, means that you are standing outside of your own integrity. Which is more important to you, temporary comfort or a lasting relationship where there is give and take by both individuals? If a partner encourages you to do something against your values, what more will they ask for?
Lastly if you are seeking a committed long-term relationship learn to take your time and make sure you know the person and you are willing to act or behave in a certain way. Some say give it the 90-day test to see if the relationship is a good one. Others say give the relationship time so that their imposter is exposed. I say follow your heart and keep to your values and beliefs. If you stick to your values and beliefs you are less likely to get hurt, hurt others and be disillusioned by what may or may not be a long term relationship.